His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
