i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
