dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Damn victory sex feels great
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