I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
