If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
