Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
