you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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