so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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