My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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