tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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