as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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