I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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