I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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