The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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