I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
