just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
