Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
