I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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