Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
