My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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