Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize