My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
