whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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