dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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