kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
