the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
