I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
