I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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