If that was your dad, he is hot
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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