JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
