So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
