im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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