your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
