So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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