i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
