yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
