I can text with my tongue
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
