The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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