Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
