Screwed.edu
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I can't put those talents on a resume
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
