I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
