I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
