i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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