I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
where am i from again
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
