My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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