She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He has the fingertips of a God
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