oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
