got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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