after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
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Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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