He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
