im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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