Need sex. Gaining weight.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
