aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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