I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
