i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My dad just said "fuck circus"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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