I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
