I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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