i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
