Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he shaved USA in his pubs
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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