And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
