my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
