Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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