yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Randomize
