Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
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dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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