The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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