I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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